Never Split The Difference

Introduction

"Never Split The Difference" is a book written by former FBI negotiator Chris Voss and co-author Tahl Raz.

• Chris Voss argues that most of our interactions are negotiations, often driven by a basic, primal desire: "I want".
• Therefore, negotiation is simply effective communication that leads to results, forming the core of collaboration.
• Throughout the book, Chris Voss uses his experiences in life-or-death situations to illustrate how negotiation techniques can be applied in the workplace, business dealings, or even at home.

The New Rules

Standard negotiation approaches, like "Getting to Yes²", view them as logical, step-by-step problems to be solved through offers and counteroffers, aiming for win-win solutions.

• However, real world negotiations are far more unpredictable and complex.
• Psychologically, humans are emotional and irrational creatures, often acting impulsively and driven by underlying fears, needs and desires.

Daniel Kahneman, in "Thinking, Fast and Slow", describes two systems of thought:

• System 1: Fast, instinctive and emotional (the "animal mind")
• System 2: Slow, deliberative and logical
• We often react emotionally (System 1) to a suggestion or question before consciously processing it. This initial emotional response can then influence our more rational response (System 2).

Therefore, influencing your counterpart's System 1 thinking can indirectly guide their System 2 reasoning and lead to a more favourable response.

• For example, saying "NO" and staring can prompt them to reconsider their offer. Their System 1 might perceive the initial rejection, and their System 2 might then adjust their offer to reach a more agreeable position.

This highlights the importance of emotions and emotional intelligence in negotiations.

• Effective negotiators use simple psychological tactics to calm people down, establish rapport, gain trust, elicit the verbalization of needs, and persuade the other guy of our empathy.
• This ultimately leads them to a calmer and more rational state, where they can engage in logical problem-solving as envisioned by "Getting to Yes²".

Be A Mirror

Too often, people find it easier to simply stick with their beliefs and make assumptions about others. This leads to selective hearing (focusing on what they want to hear) and ultimately, flawed negotiations.

• On the other hand, good negotiators actively seek out new information and are willing to discard one hypothesis to embrace a new one. They constantly maintain a mindset of discovery.
• Even in high-pressure situations, consider a bank robber surrounded by police. Their focus might not be surrender, but buying time to escape.

To create trust and safety (a positive relationship) before delving into actual needs, negotiations should begin with attentive listening that demonstrates empathy and a sincere desire to understand the other side's experience.

• Remember, it is not what you say or do, but also how your general demeanour and delivery (e.g. smiling, a positive/playful voice, or a late-night FM DJ voice: deep, soft, slow and reassuring) can signal your intentions.

Mirroring, also known as isopraxism, is essentially imitation. It is a neurobehavior phenomenon where humans (and other animals) copy each other for comfort.

• Mirroring can be done through speech patterns, body language, vocabulary, tempo, and tone of voice.
• The conscious practice of mirroring involves repeating back key words or phrases, especially the last few words or the most critical one. This is the art of subtly suggesting similarity to another's subconscious: “Trust, me, you and I - we’re alike.”
• Allow at least 4 seconds of silence after mirroring to allow your counterpart to elaborate on their point, furthering the connection.

Don't Feel Their Pain, Label It

Emotions and problems are often intertwined.

• When we are emotionally charged, our ability to think logically weakens.
• Instead of denying or ignoring emotions, effective negotiators acknowledge and label their own emotions, as well as those of others.
• This is not about manipulating emotions, but rather understanding them as tools that can influence the negotiation.

Most negotiators enter a discussion focused solely on their own agenda, making persuasion difficult.

• Consider a psychotherapist. By carefully observing, asking questions, and actively listening, they guide their patients towards self-discovery and behaviour change.
• Similarly, tactical empathy allows negotiators to understand the position of the other side (their feelings and mindset), why their actions make sense to them, and what might motivate them.
• Empathy is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side; it is about gaining a deeper understanding.

In a negotiation, labelling is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledge it verbally.

• We employ tactical empathy by recognizing their unconscious response (not just their words or actions) and then verbalizing the underlying emotions.

Labelling acts as a shortcut to intimacy, a time-saving emotional hack that gets you closer to the other side without delving into unknown external factors ("How's your family?").

• Additionally, labelling an emotion with phrases like "It seems like..." or "It sounds like..." disrupts the raw intensity of the emotion and allows the brain to shift towards rational thinking.
• Once you have labelled an emotion, pause and listen attentively.

To illustrate, labelling is a helpful tactic in de-escalating angry confrontations because it makes the person acknowledge their feelings rather than continuing to act out.

• Imagine a tense negotiation where your counterpart seems frustrated. Labelling their emotion could be as simple as saying, "It seems like you're feeling frustrated right now. Is there something I can do to address your concerns?". By acknowledging their frustration, you foster trust and open the door to a more productive conversation.

Additionally, a technique called "taking the sting out" can be used to disarm potential accusations.

• This involves using anticipatory labels to acknowledge the other side's concerns before they arise.
• Phrases like "I understand you might be feeling..." or "I don't want to seem like I'm dismissing your concerns..." can pre-empt negativity and establish a more collaborative environment.

Beware "Yes" - Master "No"

Telemarketers often use scripted questions designed to elicit "yes" answers.

• However, these tactics can backfire, leaving us feeling pressured and uncomfortable.

Humans universally have a strong desire for autonomy.

• Negotiations that clearly allow people to say "no" to your proposals offer them a temporary sense of control.
• This also presents a valuable opportunity for both parties to clarify their true desires by eliminating what is not wanted.

In his influential book, Start with NO, Jim Camp advises negotiators to grant their counterparts permission to say “no” from the beginning of a negotiation.

• He calls this “the right to veto.”
• Jim Camp argues that people will fiercely defend their right to disagree. By acknowledging this right, you can foster a more constructive and collaborative negotiation environment almost immediately.

"No" does not mean rejection or end of conversation, but could mean they are not ready, unsure or it does not fit their needs. Instead, pause and then:

• Ask questions to find solutions ("What about this does not work for you?" or "What would you need to make it work?")
• Or, simply acknowledge their concern ("It seems like there is something here that bothers you").

Also, there are three kinds of "Yes" too:

• Counterfeit - your counterpart plans on saying "no" but either feels "yes" is an easier escape route or just want to disingenuously keep the conversation going to obtain more information.
• Confirmation - A simple affirmation to a black-or-white question with no promise of action.
• Commitment - A genuine agreement that leads to action.

Ultimately, persuasion to a commitment "yes" often comes from understanding the counterparts' perspective (their most basic wants, not ours) and convincing themselves that the solution you propose aligns with their needs.

• An early "yes" can be a cheap way to avoid the conversation, not a real commitment.
• Negotiations benefit from acknowledging the power of "no" because it fulfils basic human desires for control and security. This can lead to a more open and productive discussion where both parties explore options.
• Sometimes, the only way to get your counterparts to engage might seem to be forcing a "no" from them. This could involve intentionally mislabelling their position or making a ridiculous statement like "It seems like you want this project to fail." However, this tactic can damage trust and put the other party on the defensive.

Trigger the Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation

The Behavioural Change Stairway Model (BCSM) outlines five stages that guide negotiators from active listening to influencing behaviour. These stages are:

• Active listening
• Empathy
• Rapport
• Influence
• Behavioural change

The model draws inspiration from Carl Rogers' concept of unconditional positive regard.

• Most of us experience "conditional positive regard," where love, praise and approval depend on our actions and words. This conditions us to hide our true selves, hindering genuine connection and ultimately, behavioural change.
• The BCSM offers a path to break this cycle. By successfully navigating each stage, negotiators build trust and establish a foundation for unconditional positive regard. This breakthrough moment allows them to exert influence and achieve lasting behavioural change.
• The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behaviour will take hold.

Instead of the word "yes", the sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually "That's right". It breaks deadlocks in negotiation because your counterpart felt heard and understood, allowing them to agree something without feeling like they have conceded.

• You cannot convince someone right away.
• On the other hand, you need to gradually build agreement with them by explaining things in a way that makes them think, "That's right".
• The "that's right" breakthrough usually does not come at the beginning of a negotiation. It dawns on them unconsciously, a subtle epiphany ("aha!" moment) for them.
• To get there, leverage active listening. Use strategic pauses, minimal encouragers ("Yes", "OK", :Uh-huh", "I see"), mirroring, labelling their emotions, paraphrasing and summarizing to guide them.

On the other hand, hearing "you are right" can be disastrous in negotiations.

• Imagine someone is annoying you and would not stop talking. Saying "you're right" might appease them and get them to leave.
• However, this does not lead to any real change in behaviours. It does not signify agreement; you simply want them to stop bothering you.

Bend Their Reality

Negotiation is never a linear formula: add X to Y to get Z.

• It is a complex interplay of human emotions, hidden agendas and unspoken needs.

With win-win mindset, compromise - "splitting the difference" - can lead to terrible outcomes.

• Compromise often arises from fear, ease, and a desire for safety.
• However, at best, compromise satisfies neither side because both parties fail to address their true needs or goals.
• Creative solutions in addressing the underlying needs are the key, even if they involve some risk, annoyance, confusion and conflict.

Deadline are another factor that can cloud judgement and lead to impulsive decisions.

• However, deadlines are often arbitrary, almost always flexible, and rarely trigger the dire consequences we imagine.
• In most cases, deadlines can be used to our advantage by letting the other side's perceived pressure build.

Instead of simply reacting to perceived unfairness, explore their concerns.

• Ask open-ended questions to understand why they feel mistreated, and then propose solutions that address both sides' needs.

Prospect Theory, developed in 1979, highlights our tendency to make irrational decisions involving risk.

• Certainty effect: We often prefer guaranteed outcomes over probabilities, even when the probability is a better choice.
• Loss aversion: We are more likely to take greater risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains.
• Hence, make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.

You can bend your counterpart's reality by

• Anchoring an initial reference point.
• Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by how bad it will be.
• When setting a price, set an extreme anchor to make your "real" offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive.
• Pivot to nonmonetary terms that hold value for your counterpart but not for you.
• Using odd number for figures can create the perception of thoughtful calculation.
• Surprising with a gift can leverage reciprocity to your advantage.

Create the Illusion of Control

Successful negotiations involves giving the other person the illusion of control while still guiding the conversation in the direction you want.

• The best way to achieve this is by using open-ended question, also called calibrated questions. These questions do not have a simple yes or no answer, and they make the other person pause and think critically about how to solve the problems, e.g. "How am I supposed to do that?" or "How does this look to you?" or "What about this does not work for you?".
• Open-ended questions remove the aggression from direct demands and avoids triggering the reciprocity principle, where you will be expected to give something back.

Rules for calibrated questions

• Avoid words like "can", "is", "are", "do" or "does".
• These are close-ended questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no".
• Instead, begin with the words "what" and "how", and rarely "why".
• These words inspire your counterpart to think and then speak expansively.
• Use calibrated questions strategically to achieve specific goals, like buying time or prompting the other party to identify solutions that address both their needs and yours.

When you are attacked in a negotiation, bite your tongue, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions.

• Stay calm and ask your counterpart a calibrated question to redirect the conversation.

Guarantee Execution

While securing an agreement is a step forward, a successful negotiation goes beyond just getting a "yes".

• The ultimate goal is to reach an agreement that can be effectively implemented and delivers the desired outcomes.
• Remember, a "yes" is nothing without a clear "how".
  

Persistently asking "how" can lead to success.

• "How" questions are a valuable tool for navigating negotiations and saying no politely while keeping the conversation open and collaborative.
• By prompting the other side to discuss "how", they feel more invested in the process and responsible for its success.
• Additionally, allowing the other party to believe they came up with the solution can foster a more positive negotiation environment and increase the chances of successful implementation.

To spot liars, pay close attention to tone of voice and body language.

• The 7-38-55 rule suggests only 7 percent of a message's impact is derived from the actual words spoke. The remaining impact comes from tone of voice (38%) and body language and face (55%).
• Hence, incongruence between verbal and non-verbal cues can indicate that your counterpart may be lying or uncomfortable with a deal.

In negotiations, you have likely encountered a situation where you receive a seemingly positive response ("Yes") that later unravels into a rejection ("No") - a classic "counterfeit yes".

• Test it with the Rule of Three:
• The first time is when they agree to something or give you a commitment.
• Then, summarize their agreement to get confirmation.
• Finally, use calibrated "How" or "What" question about implementation to get them to elaborate. Examples include "What does success look like if we get off track?" or "What are we up against here?".
• Repeatedly lying or faking conviction becomes difficult under such scrutiny.

People often reveal their authority level through pronoun choice.

• If someone frequently uses "I," "me," and "my," it suggests the real decision-making power might reside elsewhere.
• Conversely, an abundance of "we," "they," and "them" might indicate you are dealing with a key decision-maker who's keeping their options open.

To establish yourself as a real person and potentially secure a better deal, use your own name throughout the conversation.

• Humour and a touch of humanity are excellent tools to break tension and overcome negotiation hurdles.

Bargain Hard

Negotiations can be stressful, and bargaining is a common source of anxiety and unfocused aggression. Broadly, there are three main types of negotiators.

• The Analyst
• Analysts prioritize a thorough and systematic approach to achieve the best possible outcome.
• Time is a secondary concern for them as long as they are working towards this goal.
• Their self-image is tied to minimizing mistakes through meticulous preparation.
• They dislike surprises and value data-driven arguments.
• The Accommodator
• For accommodators, building rapport is paramount.
• They believe that continuous information exchange is valuable, regardless of the time spent.
• Their goal is to maintain a positive relationship with their counterpart and achieve a win-win situation.
• They are known for their friendly demeanour and excellent communication skills.
• Actively listen to their ideas and use calibrated questions to move the conversations towards implementation and translate their ideas into action.
• The Assertive
• Assertive negotiators view time as money; every wasted minute translates to a financial loss.
• Their self-image revolves around achieving results quickly and efficiently.
• They prioritize getting a deal done over achieving perfection.
• Most of all, the Assertive wants to be heard. Focus on their points and demonstrate that you understand their perspective. Once they feel heard, they will be more receptive to your viewpoint.

Each of these styles has a different perception of time and interprets silence in unique ways. Before effective negotiation can occur, you must understand your counterpart's "normal" and identify their negotiation style by being open to their differences.

• Treat others according to their needs, not how you want to be treated.

When faced with aggressive tactics like extreme opening offers,

• Take a deep breath and stay calm.
• Develop counter-strategies to avoid being pressured into compromising.
• You can use "how" question to highlight the absurdity ("How am I supposed to accept that?) or deflect with questions that refocus the discussion ("What are we trying to accomplish here?").
• Using the first-person singular pronoun ("I" statement) is a powerful way to set boundaries without escalating into confrontation. For example, “I am sorry, that doesn’t work for me.".
• Be clear on your bottom line. If necessary, be prepared to walk away from the negotiation. Avoid appearing desperate for a deal.

The Ackerman model is an offer-counteroffer method that goes beyond the usual back-and-forth bargaining that often leads to a compromise in the middle. Here's how it works:

• Set your target price (your goal).
• Make your first offer at 65% of your target price (an extreme anchor).
• Calculate three counteroffers with progressively smaller increments (to 85%, 95%, and 100% of your target).
• Use empathy and various ways to say "no" to encourage the other side to make a counteroffer before you increase your offer.
• When making your final offer, use non-round numbers (e.g., $37,893 instead of $38,000) to add perceived credibility.
• Consider offering a non-monetary concession on your final offer to signal you've reached your limit.

NOTE: Any response that is not a flat rejection gives you an advantage in the negotiation.

Black Swans

Black Swans, a term coined by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, represent events or crucial pieces of knowledge that were previously unimaginable or unforeseen.

• They highlight the limitations of relying solely on past experiences to predict the future.
• Every negotiation situation is unique. While your existing knowledge (known knowns) provides a foundation, do not let it restrict your approach. Be adaptable to and open to new information that might emerge.

To uncover these unknown unknowns (the truth hidden beneath the surface), proactive exploration is key. Here are some strategies.

• Get some face time and observe verbal and nonverbal communication cues during unguarded moments, such as pauses or hesitations.
• Active listening: Review everything your hear from the conversation. You can even use backup listeners whose only job is to listen between the lines.
• Empathy is key: Seek to understand the other side's worldview, including their underlying needs, values and perspectives.
• The "similarity principle" suggests that people are more likely to concede to someone they perceive as similar. Hence, finding shared interests or experiences to build rapport and create a more collaborative environment.
• Always voice your observations with your counterpart or ask them insightful questions to prompt for further explanation.
• When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely are not. Faced with this situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information.

Black Swans can significantly increase your negotiating power (leverage). Leverage refers to your ability to influence the outcome by

• Positive leverage - offering or withholding something the other party desires (e.g. when the other side says "I want....").
• Negative leverage - presenting potential consequences for not reaching an agreement (e.g. "If you do not ..., I will ..."). Use this with caution to avoid damaging the relationship.
• Normative leverage - Appealing to your counterpart's values and standards to gain an advantage.

Summary

Building trust and guiding the other party towards a solution that feels like their own idea leads to a lasting "That's right" moment of agreement. This is in contrast to a quick "yes" that may not lead to real change.

• Some negotiation techniques in "Never Split The Difference" builds upon Dale Carnegie's foundational principles explored in How to Win Friends and Influence People.

The key takeaway here is that in negotiations, you should never take on other people's problems.