The Four Agreements

Introduction

The Four Agreements is a self-help book by don Miguel Ruiz that draws on Toltec wisdom that has been passed on through generations by different lineages of naguals (masters).

• By following the four agreements, the book proposes we can transform our lives and experience more joy, freedom and love.

The Smokey Mirror

The tale introduces a medical student who has a profound realization: everything is interconnected and composed of light, including himself and the universe. Additionally, everything in existence is a manifestation of God. He adopts the name "Smokey Mirror" as a reminder of this.

• Human perception is simply light perceiving light through a mirror. Everything including humans, animals, trees, water, clouds and the Earth, acts as a mirror reflecting light.
• When we see others, we are essentially seeing a reflection of ourselves, although obscured by the "smoke" (the world of illusion, the "Dream") of our individual perceptions.

Human Domestication

Humans are constantly dreaming.

• The society's dream or the "dream of the planet" refers to the collective consciousness or shared reality we all inhabit. It encompasses society rules, beliefs, laws, religions, cultures and accepted behaviours.
• We are born into this "dream" and taught its rules through family, education and religion. This heavily shapes our belief systems, often through repetition and acceptance. These belief systems act like the Book of Law that rules our minds.

In essence, we undergo a form of domestication. Information from the outside dream (societal norm) is conveyed to the inside dream (personal beliefs) through various forms of conditioning, including rewards and punishments.

• Children tend to believe everything adults say and faith has shaped our overall worldview.
• For the fear of rejection (for not being good enough), we may pretend to be someone we are not to gain acceptance, especially from family members and teachers.
• We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's demands or viewpoints, rather than embracing and loving ourselves.
• We learn to judge ourselves and others according to an image of perfection. If we make a mistake in public, we might try to deny or cover it up. However, when alone, the internal critic becomes strong, leading to feelings of guilt, stupidity or unworthy.
• In some extreme cases, our self-abuse can even lead us to tolerate someone who mistreats us.

In summary, due to these false beliefs, we can find ourselves living in a "dream of hell", characterized by suffering, fear and emotional drama.

• However, changes can be uncomfortable. When something challenges our established beliefs, it can feel unsafe, even if it could ultimately benefit us.

Prelude to A New Dream

We make countless agreements through life - with ourselves, others and various entities.

• However, the most significant agreements are the ones we make with ourselves.
• These internal agreements define our identity, emotions, beliefs, and how we interpret the world.

To live a life of joy and fulfilment, you have to find the courage to

• Break those agreements that are fear-based and
• Claim your personal power by adopting the four new agreements.

The First Agreement: Be Impeccable with Your World

Words are more than just sounds or written symbols. They are powerful force.

• They grant us the ability to express ourselves, communicate with others, shape our thoughts and ultimately, create the events in our life.
• Depending upon how they are used, words can create the most beautiful dream, or destroy everything around you.

The human mind is like fertile ground where seeds are continually being planted.

• The seeds are opinions, ideas and concepts.
• When people listens to the words of others or his own inner voice and agrees, they can become self-fulling prophecies. For example, a girl who constantly hears people say she is ugly may grow up believing that about herself.

Let us use the power of words to share love, starting with ourselves.

• Speak affirmations to yourself. Tell yourself how wonderful and capable you are.

The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personal

Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the ultimate expression of selfishness. We make the assumption that everything revolves around "me", meaning we believe we are responsible for everything that happens.

• However, the truth is that everyone lives in their own reality (separate from yours), and acts because of their desires.

Whatever happens around you, do not take it personally.

• Do not let someone else's words , whether praise or criticism, dictate your emotions.
• For example, if someone calls you stupid, and you take it personally and agree, then this negativity can affect you deeply.
• What others say, do, think reflects their own internal agreements and can fluctuate depending on the situation.
• You do not need other people to define who you are.

Remember, your perception shapes your experience of the world

• When you feel good, the world seems brighter, and vice versa.
• To gain freedom from anger, jealousy, and envy (which ultimately cause suffering), trust yourself and choose whether or not to believe what someone says.

The Third Agreement: Don't Make Assumptions

We tend to make assumptions about everything - what others are doing or thinking. This stems from a desire to find explanations for the unknown and a fear of asking for clarification,

• The problem with assumptions is that we often mistake them for truth and take them personally. This can lead to unnecessary drama and misunderstandings.
• We often see and hear only what aligns with our expectations, essentially creating our own narratives that lack a basis in reality.

In relationship, a common assumption is that our partners can read our minds.

• We believe they know what we want or need without us expressing it.
• When they do not fulfil this unspoken desire, we feel hurt and say things like "You should have known.".

Another faulty assumption is that love can change someone.

• People change because they choose to, not because of someone else.
• True love involves accepting someone for who they are, not trying to mould them into someone else.
• Ideally, you find someone who aligns with your desires and feels the same way about you.

Knowing that assumptions lead to suffering, it is always better to ask questions than to make assumptions. This helps to avoid conflicts rooted in misunderstanding.

• Remember, a significant human assumption is that others operate from the same perspective as ourselves. We think they think, feel, judge, and even abuse in the same way we do. This is rarely true, and recognizing these differences can transform your whole life.

The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

Always do your best, under any circumstance. No more, no less.

• You "best" will naturally fluctuate depending on your physical, mental and emotional state at any given time.
• It is not about achieving perfection, but rather putting in a genuine effort considering your current situation.
• Pushing yourself beyond your best can be counterproductive. It depletes your energy and can hinder your progress.
• Similarly, doing less than your best can lead to frustrations, self-judgement, guilt and regrets.

The key is to act because you enjoy the process, not solely for an external reward.

• Many people fall into the trap of only taking action when they expect a reward, which diminishes their enjoyment and ultimately their performance.
• For example, working solely for a pay cheque (rent, family, etc.) can create resistance and hinder your ability to do your best. It might even indicate a deeper dissatisfaction with your current situation.
• On the other hand, taking action for the sake of doing it, without expecting a reward, allows you to find enjoyment in the process. Rewards may still come, but they become a bonus, not the sole motivator.

Doing your best is about living fully.

• It is about letting go of the past, embracing the present moment and honouring your true self.
• Say "no" when you want to say no, and "yes" when you want to say yes. You have the right to be you, and doing your best is an expression of that authenticity.
• Make doing your best a daily ritual, even in seemingly mundane tasks like taking a shower.

The Toltec Path to Freedom

True freedom is about the human spirit - it is the freedom to be who we truly are.

• For example, we sometimes believe that marriage restricts our freedom, but even after a divorce, we might still feel unfree.

Once, we were all free, like two- or three-year-old children before social conditioning.

• We did whatever we wanted, exploring the world with a big smile, and living in the present moment, unafraid to express ourselves.

However, human domestication has burdened us with responsibilities (like school and work) while our inner self remains a playful child.

• We stop expressing ourselves authentically. This is what has happened to our freedom.

The first step toward personal freedom is awareness. If you are not aware, there is nothing you can change.

• With awareness that your mind is full of wounds and emotional poisons (negative beliefs), you can choose to rebel and fight for freedom from the parasite of the Judge, the Victim and the dream of the planet.
• This path may not guarantee victory, but it offers the dignity of rebellion.

The choice is yours: continue living the way you are, or break free from the belief system that restricts you.

• Attacking the parasite head on
• This approach involves facing each of our fears one by one.
• You slowly replace self-limiting, fear based beliefs with empowering agreements, like the Four Agreements, that align with your happiness.
• However, changing ingrained patterns requires consistent practice.
• Starving the parasite
• This approach focuses on stopping the cycle of feeding negative emotions.
• Most people lose control of their emotions, allowing them to dictate behaviour.
• Forgiveness is the key to healing. This includes forgiving those who have wronged us, and ultimately, ourselves. When you have truly forgiven someone, you will no longer have a strong emotional reaction when you see them.
• Initiation of the dead (facing mortality)
• Knowing we could die at any moment encourages us to live authentically in the present moment, without fear of judgement.
• When death feels closer, we are more likely to be ourselves and stop trying to please others.
• The idea of death can teach us to live every day as if it were our last. It encourages us to be open and unafraid. It reminds us to express love to those we cherish, for we might not have another chance. We do not want to waste our time with arguments or regrets.

Today is the Beginning of a New Dream

Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering.

• The dream you are living is your creation. It is your perception of reality that you can change at any time.

The Four Agreements are deceptively simple and logical, understandable even to a child. However, upholding them requires a strong will because our journey is filled with obstacles.

• By consistently striving to do your best (the fourth agreements), the negative habits associated with misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions (the first three agreements) will gradually weaken. With time, these patterns will become less frequent.

Remember, if you stumble, do not judge yourself. Simply get back up and recommit to the agreements the next day.

• It will be challenging at first, but with each passing day, it will become easier. Eventually, you will find yourself mastering these life principles.

When you embody these agreements, you break free from the limitations of the "dream of the planet" and its external influences.

• You would not be living in a self-created hell; instead, you will control your life with complete autonomy.

Summary

The entire drama of your life unfolds based on your beliefs. If you recognize that many of these beliefs may not be entirely true, then you hold the power to change them.

• This is the essence of Toltec wisdom, which emphasizes agreements we make with ourselves to cultivate a life of freedom, happiness, and love.

The Four Agreements are the foundation of this philosophy:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Do not take anything personally.
• Do not make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

The Fifth Agreement, introduced in a later work, adds another layer:

• Be sceptical, but learn to listen
• Question everything, but listen with an open mind to understand the deeper meaning. This fosters much clearer communication.

For a deeper dive, I highly recommend reading the book.