The 5 Love Languages

Introduction

The 5 Love Languages is a 1992 nonfiction book by Gary Chapman, a relationship counsellor.

• It outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love, which Chapman calls "love languages".

From "In Love" to Real Love

We often fall in love based on initial attraction, whether it is a person's physical characteristics or personality traits.

• This "tingle" feeling makes us want to get to know someone better.
• We date and see if the spark lasts.
• If it does, we may think it is "real love" and hope the feeling is mutual.
• Only then do we start considering marriage and our future together.
• We believe that romantic love is the necessary foundation for a good marriage, a belief shaped by media like songs, magazines, television shows and movies.

However, the initial "falling in love" stage is often an illusion. Blinded by love, we may see our partner as perfect, even though others can see their flaws.

• Love, a primary human emotional need, motivates us to great lengths. We are willing to climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships for the sake of love.
• Even though we know intellectually that we will eventually have differences, we are often certain that one of us will always be willing to make concessions, and that we can overcome any problem together.
  

However, the euphoric experience of "falling in love" has a limited life span, typically lasting around two years.

• Our egocentric nature gradually returns, and we begin to assert our desires without considering our partner's needs.
• We start to see each other's flaws more clearly.
  
• Routine and resentment slowly erode the love we once had.
• Intimate lovers can become enemies, and marriage a battlefield.

In many cases, the dream of "living happily ever after" shatters against the harsh realities of life.

• After marriage, the once strong feelings of love seem to disappear ("we used to feel close, but not now").
• We still desire to feel genuinely loved by another who sees something worthy of love in us. However, our emotional love tanks are empty (we no longer feel loved by our spouse).
• At this point, people choose to either separate (divorce) and seek a new in-love experience, or they begin the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of infatuation.

Real love is ultimately a choice, requiring effort and discipline.

• It is a personal decision and attitude to prioritize your partner's well-being.
  
• In the "in-love" experience, we are driven by an instinct that pushes us to be kind and generous beyond our usual behaviour patterns.
  
• On the other hand, real love involves a conscious choice to be kind and generous, finding satisfaction in genuinely loving another.
  

 Another overlooked truth in relationship is that people speak different love languages.

• In other words, what makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emotionally.
• Your emotional love language and your spouse's may be as different as Chinese and English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse only understands Chinese, she will never understand how much you love her.
  
• To effectively communicate love, we must put in the effort to learn our spouse's primary love language (and maybe even their secondary one), even if it is uncomfortable at first.
  
• When their emotional love tanks are full, people behave differently.

NOTE: Within each of the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects, or ways to express love.

Words of Affirmation

The deepest human need might be the need to feel appreciated.

• Words of affirmation, or verbal compliments, can fulfil this need for many people. They are far more motivating than nagging or criticism.

Express your sincere appreciation in simple straightforward statements, like:

• "You look fantastic in that outfit!"
• "I truly appreciate you arranging childcare tonight. It means a lot."

Here are other ways (dialects) to use words of affirmation:

• Encouraging words
• Inspire your partner to pursue their goals and dreams.
• Motivate their potential, not pressure them into your desires (e.g. a higher-paying job).
• Kind words
• The tone of voice can completely change the meaning of a sentence. "I love you" said warmly creates a different feeling than "I love you?" with a questioning tone.
• A gentle and loving tone builds a positive connection.
• An ancient proverb says, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
• Humble words
• Love makes requests, not demands. Try “Would it be possible for you to ...?"
• This acknowledges their worth and gives them a choice.

King Solomon, author of Proverbs, wrote, "The tongue has the power of life and death."

• Focus on expressing appreciation for what you like about your partner, and hold off on criticizing what you do not.
• Speak well of your partner, even when they're not around. 
• Love involves forgiveness, so avoid dwelling on past mistakes. Avoid words of bitterness, resentment or revenge.

Quality Time

Time is a precious commodity, yet each day holds the same 24 hours for everyone.

• If your partner’s primary love language is quality time, what they truly crave is your undivided attention during shared activities.
• "Quality time" means giving someone your full focus, not just physical proximity.
• While watching television together might seem like spending time together, Netflix or HBO is likely capturing your attention, not your spouse.

One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation.

• Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, while quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.
• It is about fostering a sympathetic dialogue where two individuals share experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly and uninterrupted space.
• People yearn for emotional connection, which comes from being truly heard, not having solutions imposed or advice offered prematurely.
• Here are some key tips for quality conversation:
• Maintain eye contact when your partner speaks.
• Avoid multitasking while your partner is talking.
• Actively listen for their feelings and try to identify them. For example, you could say, “It sounds like you are feeling ...”
• Observe their body language for additional clues about their emotions, e.g. clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movements.
• Refuse to interrupt - allow them to fully express themselves.
• Beyond sympathetic listening, self-revelation is another key component of quality conversation.
• Sharing your own experiences and feelings can deepen the connection.
• There are two broad personality types: Some people, like a "Dead Sea", tend to absorb experiences and emotions without readily sharing them. Others, like a "Babbling Brook",  constantly express their thoughts and experiences.
• If your partner is a "Dead Sea", one way to help them express themselves is to establish a daily sharing time. Briefly discuss three things that happened to you each day and how you felt about them. This “Minimum Daily Requirement” can create a foundation for deeper emotional connection.

Quality activities can be anything you or your partner enjoys.

• The key is not what you do, but why you do it. The goal is to express love through shared experiences.
• These activities can take many forms: planting a garden together, visiting historical sites, going bird watching, attending a concert, working out as a couple, or even hosting another couple for a homemade meal. The possibilities are truly endless, limited only by your interest and willingness to explore new things together.
• One of the positive outcomes of quality activities is that they create a shared memory bank that you can draw on for years to come. These memories strengthen your bond and provide a wellspring of happiness in the future.

Receiving Gifts

In every culture, gift giving is a part of the love-marriage process, serving as a powerful tool for expressing love and connection.

• A tangible gift, something you can hold in your hand, serves as a reminder of love, a physical symbol that someone is thinking of you.

For those who value gifts as a love language, receiving them can be powerful affirmation of love.

• These gifts do not have to be expensive - the thoughtfulness behind them matters most.

To become a proficient gift giver, keep a list of items your partner has expressed excitement about receiving over the years.

• This will give you ideas for future gifts.
• You can also recruit help from family members who know your partner well.
• Another tip is do not wait for a special occasion to give gifts.

Do not forget the intangible gift: the gift of self or the gift of presence.

• Being fully present and attentive, especially during difficult times, is a powerful way to show your care.

Acts of Service

The love language of acts of service is about completing tasks that lighten your partner's load and demonstrate your love through action.

• You seek to please her by serving them, cooking meals, or taking chores like emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, maintaining the car, and paying bills.
• These gestures require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy.

However, simply doing things for someone might not always be enough.

• It is crucial to understand their specific needs ("dialects"), i.e. the most important things to them.

Importantly, manipulation by guilt (“If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me”) or coercion by fear (“You will do this or you will be sorry”) are not the languages of love.

Physical Touch

Physical touch is a powerful language for communicating marital love, expressed through holding hands, kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse.

• Physical touch can sometimes speak even louder than words.
• A tender hug can offer comfort when words seem to fail.

Your partner knows best what feels like a loving touch.

• Learn to speak their love dialect by respecting their boundaries and avoiding unwanted physical touch.
• Insisting on uncomfortable touches communicates the opposite of love.

If your partner's primary love language is physical touch, offering a hug during a time of sadness can be incredibly comforting.

• Your words may not always alleviate the pain, but your touch can communicate that you care.

For those who value physical touch as a love language, the emotional trauma of infidelity can be especially difficult.

Discovering Primary Love Language

Understanding your primary love language can significantly improve your relationships. Here are three ways to discover it:

• Pay attention to what your partner's actions (or lack thereof) cause you the most emotional pain. The opposite of what hurts you most likely reflects your primary love language.
• Consider what you most often ask your partner for. The things you request most frequently are likely the actions that would make you feel most loved. 
• Notice how you naturally express love to your partner. This can be a clue to what makes you feel loved in return.

By using these approaches, you can identify your primary love language.

• If two languages seem equally important, you might be "bilingual" in the world of love languages.

Love is a Choice with Rewards

We are creatures of choice, and sometimes we make poor choices that hurt the ones we love.

• The good news is, we can learn from our mistakes and choose to express love more effectively.

Love does not magically erase the past, but it allows us to move forward together in a more positive light.

• When we discover and choose to actively express love in our partner's primary love language (whether or not it is natural for us), we create an emotional climate where love can flourish and past hurts can heal.

In the security of love, a couple can discuss their differences without fear of condemnation.

• This fosters mutual understanding and allows conflicts to be resolved constructively.
• Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony.
• We discover how to bring out the best in each other.

Summary

According to Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, proactive people make love a verb, rather than a feeling that drives you.

• Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world.
• Afterall, love is a value that actualized through loving actions.
  

By understanding the five distinct ways of giving and receiving love outlined in The 5 Love Languages, couples can unlock a deeper connection and build a more fulfilling relationship.

• A spouse’s criticisms of your behaviour can actually be a valuable clue to their primary love language.