The Let Them Theory

Introduction

In life, we constantly allow others to influence us by considering their actions, words, thoughts, feelings, and expectations, such as trying to say the right thing to gain their approval.

• The reality is that no matter how hard you try, you cannot control other people.
• Yet, we live as if we can.

The "Let Them Theory", popularized by Mel Robbins as a life transformation concept, essentially revolves around:

• Ceasing to waste time and energy on uncontrollable factors.
• Empowering oneself to focus on personal goals and priorities.

NOTE: The 'Let Them Theory' philosophy, which focuses on controlling our own thoughts and actions, aligns perfectly with the first habit, 'Be Proactive,' from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

5 Second Rule

A frequent strategy for managing anxiety and doubt is avoidance, which can manifest as avoiding pain, deadlines, and responsibilities.

• Despite knowing intellectually that facing and resolving these issues is necessary for long-term well-being, we are often paralyzed by overwhelming thoughts and resist taking action.
• Implementing a manual countdown of 5-4-3-2-1 before taking a challenging action, reminiscent of a NASA rocket launch, interrupts the cycle of overthinking and forces us to act.
• Ultimately, action is the answer to the problems, not endless contemplation.

Many find that the 5-second rule is a simple hack to break through fear, self-doubt, procrastination and excuses.

• Consequently, small, consistent actions produce profound, transformative results, effectively leading to change.
• While the 5-second rule helps overcome internal obstacles like a lack of motivation, it does not effectively address external challenges such as traffic jams, rude customers, micromanaging bosses, and unsettled bills or debts.

NOTE: The High 5 Habit, which involves high-fiving yourself in the mirror, is another simple technique offered by Mel Robbins to rewire your mindset to build self-confidence.

Stop Wasting Your Life on Things You Cannot Control

All human beings have an innate need for control.

• Without even realizing it, this feeling of control makes us feel comfortable and safe.
• Consequently, we naturally try to manage everyone and everything around us.
• Yet, people will do what they want. They will make their own choices and live their own lives.

We also often mistakenly believe that by working harder, bending further, and saying the right thing, we can please everyone.

• However, the truth is that someone will always be disappointed and critical, regardless of our efforts.
• They are entitled to their own thoughts, which may differ significantly from ours, as life experiences shape varying frames of reference on the same issue.

Therefore, stop wasting your time, energy, and happiness trying to control the uncontrollable - other people's opinions, moods, or actions.

• Instead, focus on the one thing you can control: yourself - your thoughts, actions and feelings.
• Stop reacting (or stressing out) and start living!

Given the limited and irreversible nature of time, we must make the most of the moments we have with loved one and pursue our personal goals.

NOTE: Effectively, 'let them' does not mean giving up or walking away, but achieving true freedom by emotionally detaching ourselves from triggering situations, allowing events to unfold as they will.

Putting the Theory into Practice

Scrolling social media can trigger feelings of jealousy when we see seemingly perfect, happy photos, and even more so, the painful sting of rejection when a former best friend excludes us from an invitation.

• Instead of dwelling on others' seemingly idyllic lives and allowing uncontrollable comparisons to endlessly torture you, choose to let go.
• Understand that their weekend getaway had nothing to do with you, and they were not conspiring against you.

Modern life is filled with small annoyances, such as traffic jams, never-ending phone notifications, slow internet connections, endless work meetings, and unexpected changes in plans.

• Calm down to protect yourself from these unnecessary stresses, which ultimately do not matter.

Fear of others' opinions limits your potential and imprisons you, preventing you from pursuing your goals. Online, you fear looking bad; at work, you fear sounding bad.

• Yet, to live life freely, you must learn to allow others, including your close family, to judge and think negatively of you.
• Otherwise, fear will stop you from trying new things, taking risks, being yourself, and making the small moves that, over time, transform your life.

As children, friendships felt like a unified team, navigating life with a shared pace and routine. However, adulthood often leads to dispersal, with everyone living in different places, pursuing diverse careers, and reaching varied life milestones like marriage and having kids.

• Therefore, a flexible, understanding, and proactive approach to adult friendship becomes essential.
• Proximity, timing and energy form the invisible foundation of these connections.
• Consequently, it is important to accept when they may not always include you and trust they are still friends after.

The reality is, people change when they want to change, not when you want them to.

• It does not matter how much you wish they would, how right you think you are, or even how significant the consequences might be.
• Worse still, pressuring someone to change may create more tension, resentment and distance in the relationship.
• It is human nature to reach for what feels easy and move away from facing what is difficult.
• Let them learn the hard way—experience the real-world results of their choices—and decide to change on their own.

In dating, when you text someone, they ghost you without response or explanation

• Instead of trying to figure out why and making excuses for their disrespectful behaviour, remind yourself that you deserve someone who treats you with respect.
• If someone genuinely likes you, their feelings will be evident; conversely, a lack of clarity will leave you confused.
• Let them ghost you and release yourself from chasing a potential that does not align with reality.
• It it tough the accept that their behaviour shows you are not a priority, but you need courage to accept rejection.
• We are all scared of being alone and want that fairytale ending.

In essence, resist the urge to fix, change, and control the world around us.

• Accept what is happening and move through the frustrating or painful experiences in life.

Let Them + Let Me

Saying Let Them by blaming others merely relieves hurt and pain momentarily, forming only the first half of the equation.

• Instead of sitting alone feeling morally superior, Let Me represents the second, critical part of the theory.
• In contrast to judgement, Let Me is the proactive move to take responsibility and action for what we want in life.
• Without the Let Me move to create the life, relationships and connections we want, we will find ourselves disconnected, rather than empowered.

In adulthood, your life, happiness, health, healing, social life, friendships, boundaries, needs, and success are all your responsibility.

• Stop expecting anyone else to rescue you, except perhaps your family members.
• To illustrate, frustration and burnout at work accumulate when hard work is acknowledged only with empty compliments, rather than meaningful rewards such as promotions or adequate pay (controlled by your boss, not you). The Let Me part may mean complaining about work and boss with friends, doing the bare minimum jobs or leaving this demoralizing job (the better approach).
• An emotionally mature adult, rather than a child in a large body, allows emotions like hurt, anger, or tiredness (Let Them) to arise, but chooses (Let Me) not to react impulsively by drinking alcohol, crying out loudly, scolding people, or giving them the cold shoulder. The emotions will then fall away naturally.
• Comparing yourself to others and focusing on life's perceived unfairness drains your motivation and stops you from progressing. Instead, shift your focus from comparing to learning: analyze how successful people achieved their goals and apply those lessons to improve yourself. Let them show you the possibilities that you did not know existed and use them as inspirations to build the life you want. Remember, no one else’s wins are your losses (i.e. other people are not taking anything away from you), hence stop thinking life as a competition. Instead, Let me putting in the reps, with consistency and determination.

By controlling what you say, think or do in response, you determine what impacts you and to what extent you will fight or leave.

Summary

Essentially, the 'Let Them Theory' is not a groundbreaking new concept; it reflects a truth we often learn and experience throughout life.

• However, consistently implementing it, especially in moments of emotional intensity or when the clearly correct decision can hurt someone else, can be exceptionally challenging. In essence, it is simple, but not easy.
• In this book, Mel Robbins masterfully blends her life experiences with compelling, illustrative stories, fostering an emotional connection with her audience, to demonstrate how to put her theories into practical action.
• The key to change lies in the willingness to implement what most people would avoid.